I’ve noticed a growing trend in our daily conversations. When we greet someone, in person and over the phone, we automatically say, “how are you?”. While I don’t mind the question, it unfortunately has transitioned from a legitimate question to another way of saying “hello”.
Unfortunately no one really expects you to “really” answer the question. They expect you to say, “fine” and move on. It’s just now part of our greeting… most people don’t really want to know the answer.
I’ve implemented a practice to catalyze deeper connections and meaningful conversations by reframing “how are you?” When I get on the phone with someone I say, “what’s happening?” Or in person, I say “tell me about you”. This opens up the conversation. It makes room for elaboration, candidness and variation. By deviating away from the lazy default, this also shows that I’m engaged and actually interested. It also sets the tone for my conversations and I’m amazed by the candor that ensues simply by asking something other than “how are you?”.
The evil twin of “how are you?” is the response I hear all too often, “busy”. By answering “busy” you cut the conversation off right from the start. It also sets a negative tone for the rest of your interaction. I’ve been intentionally reframing my conversations by asking meaningful questions and unique responses that deter honest and efficient conversations.
Since banishing, “how are you?” from the English language isn’t happing anytime soon, you’re bound to be asked the question sooner or later. So, when someone asks me how I’m doing, I never answer with “busy” or “good”. Rather, I try to respond with “amazing,” “awesome,” “great.” This really sets a positive tone for the rest of the conversation. People respond to this with, “Wow, why are you great?” This is an invitation to share triumphs, learning moments, and positivity which encourages my conversation partner to do the same.
Don’t ask “how are you” unless you really mean it. Start your conversations with “what’s new in your world?” or “what did you accomplish this week?” and watch the tone of your conversations transition from drab, meaningless, and negative to efficient, positive, and sincere.
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Felena Hanson is the founder of Hera Hub.
